And then I realized I’m going to fail
Aug 31, 2020
I had surgery six days ago on my left (dominant) arm. I am in a sling and immobilizer for six weeks.
- I am not a very patient person.
- I’m not good at sitting and doing nothing.
- I’m not good at asking others for help.
And I knew all of these things going into it, so I thought that I was prepared. I wasn’t.
Today I sat down at my computer to get online and participate in a Zoom. Normally I do not have any issues with this, but it wouldn’t connect and was moving very slowly and then, finally, I got an ‘invalid ID’ error. And I was clicking a link that had been emailed to me! So it wasn’t like I was typing it wrong.
And I was frustrated with myself because I had waited until the last minute to try to sign on so when I had problems, there was no buffer. But then it got even worse.
I tried to reply to the email to say that I was having trouble. And I was poking the keys with my right hand I kept making mistakes and by the time I finally got it sent, it was too late. It would’ve already been a couple of minutes into it.
And suddenly, it wasn’t just about the Zoom or about not being able to use my right hand well, or even about my left hand.
It was everything.
Every insecurity that I have ever had all started raining down on me.
And I cried.
Because I thought “this is when I realized that I am going to fail.”
I felt like this is what I’m supposed to be doing, but what if I’m wrong?
And all of those voices in my head, saying “who do you think you are?” were louder than the voice that I have heard inside me for years, the voice of the One who created me.
And that is the voice that I have to listen to, and that some days I have to choose to listen to. Because the other is just my fear and insecurity popping up.
And yes, I will say it - I believe that it is Satan trying to keep me from doing what God is calling me to do. So I am not hiding it, and feeling ashamed. Instead, I am sharing this in the hopes that it will help YOU.
What about you? What do you feel deep down you are meant to be doing? What is your next step? Please, share it with me! We rise by building each other up!
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV